I Think We're Alone Now

It used to be that families weren't merely people to live with, but one's family actually gave meaning and opportunity to a person. The family was the built-in relationships that a person had, more established and longstanding than even the best of friendships. And for those who had difficulty making friends, for whatever reason, the family provided at least the potential that one never need be lonely.

I don't mean that "in the old days" people weren't lonely. Loneliness is part of the fallen human condition. We might be lonely even with many people around. But there is at least one particular way of life that is more common today and increases the chances of loneliness: the single adult.

I also don't mean there have never been single adults. But I would venture to suggest that in the last 100 years, and surely in the last 50 years, the number of single adults who live alone in their own households has greatly increased. And the single adult who lives alone is already at a disadvantage when it comes to loneliness; he or she doesn't have the built-in family in the household.

I know there are plenty of exceptions and caveats: family may still live nearby; single adults have roommates; single adults take advantage of and enjoy this lack of attachment. That's fine, but it's not really what I'm musing about. I'm thinking about the single adult who basically lives alone (or with a roommate who has his or her own life), and doesn't have the schedule and obligations of other family members filling the day.

Many people may think of this as a blessing, as an opportunity for the person to make the most of the lack of obligation. But at some point, sooner or later, the person will want more permanent companionship. Marriage is what many look for, but sometimes marriage doesn't avail itself right away, or ever. And, sadly, marriages sometimes end, leaving them alone again.

I have often encouraged such single adults to combat this loneliness by volunteering, by inserting themselves, so to speak, into the lives of other families, helping them in the busy-ness and craziness of their schedules, babysitting, doing chores, running errands, whatever. But this does, in a way, seem to leave the family as the focus, and the individual as someone who has to fit him- or herself into the established family. Some singles have responded to me that families should be just as intentional in interacting with and interesting themselves in the activities and interests of the singles. Yet anyone who has spent time with a busy family knows that this also is a difficult request.

So, what do we do to combat this kind of loneliness? Are established families being selfish? How do they balance their God-given responsibilities of raising their children and caring for others in their households with the call to interact with others outside of their households? Especially, what should the church, as the new household of God, do?

Inviting Gossip

Often the worst kind of gossip is the kind that is not malicious. People gossip about their enemies with evil intent, and this is often harmful. But the worst gossip is the gossip spread by friends who intend only good.

How does this happen? Friends think they know what is going on with their friends. They may be concerned, they may admire, or they may simply think they are passing on the truth, and they go and tell others what their impression of the situation is. Usually this impression fails to capture all the details or factors of a situation, and a false report is given. This false report becomes accepted as the truth by friends, and the character and reputation of a person are injured, perhaps more greatly than by an enemy, because nobody thinks to question the report.

The solution, however, is not simply to stop saying anything about anybody. When we say things, we should do everything we can to verify the truth. Talk to the person about whom you were going to talk. Talk with them. I find it odd that we so willing to say all kinds of things about others when they aren't around, even good things, but it is almost impossible for us to address things of any weight face to face.

Part of that is because we're afraid our friends will be offended if we question or challenge them. I can't bring up my concern directly with my friend, because it would cause a confrontation! But a confrontation is better than gossip.

A lot of people wish their friends would butt out when it comes to personal decisions. This happens a lot with raising children. Two families may be the best of friends, but God forbid one start giving advice to the other on how to raise kids. Much of this reaction comes from a sense that I am the best person to make a decision for or about myself or my family. I know the full context, the potential repercussions, the alternatives. I know the traditions of my family, the effect my decisions and actions have on myself and others. I probably am the best person to make a decision for myself.

But none of this means a person can't stop and listen to other opinions. We should even be willing to be challenged by our friends and families, to be questioned by them. Because, after all, family traditions really might just be ruts; expected repercussions might just be conditioned assumptions; alternatives are never as varied in one person's mind as in two or more. We should all be willing to hear advice, opinions, alternatives, and even challenges from those who love us and care for us. My way may not be the best way! After all, for as many families as there are, there are ways for raising children. Maybe one technique that I hadn't heard of before will help me out. Maybe the way I've been doing it all along hasn't worked out quite right.

So, the thin-skinned kind of person that won't engage with those close to him who have serious and helpful opinions might just be inviting gossip. Because if they don't bring their opinion to him, they might just end up taking it to someone else.